You may not be the only man who wants to speak up.

By Show Up For Her Now · Perspective

Someone makes a degrading comment. The room goes quiet. You disagree, but you wonder whether saying so will leave you standing alone.

We cannot know what everyone in that room believes. We can question the assumption that silence tells us.

The gap between beliefs and perceptions.

In a study at one U.S. university, men underestimated peers’ emphasis on consent and willingness to intervene against sexual violence. This is an example of pluralistic ignorance: a mismatch between people’s beliefs and what they think others believe.

The finding does not tell us that every group is mostly safe. It also does not equate a stated belief with action. It does give us a reason to avoid assuming that the loudest person represents everyone.

Make your own values visible.

You can reject a comment without delivering a speech. “I don’t agree with that” is a beginning. When someone else objects, “I agree with you” makes your support explicit.

These are suggestions for conversation, not guarantees about how someone will respond. If direct confrontation could increase danger, seek help from someone positioned to intervene safely.

Allyship leaves room for your own experience.

Men and boys are also survivors. You do not have to disclose your history, challenge a group, or prove your strength to deserve support. Being part of this work can include finding care for yourself.